A post that makes no sense

It has been an interesting..... week, month... year so far? for me. I've been learning a lot about myself. About what I want. About what I want to do....

It started with Xander. Realizing that public school is just not working for him. The teacher he has is INCREDIBLE with him and has done wonders for him. But that comes with a price. I don't feel that it is fair to her or to the other kids in the class for her to need to be as awesome as she is. She makes sure he has extra work to do while the rest of the class is re-covering math lessons and what not. She is patient and forgiving when he says things that he very much shouldn't. She remembers to send him to get his second dose. She really is wonderful. And then there is social. He has very few friends. Mostly because he only wants to hang out with a few specific people- ones that I haven't heard very nice things about. Here my son is WANTING to hang out with the bullies. Joy.

So I put his name in the drawing for the charter school. He didn't get in. And that made me a little excited, because that means we're going to go through the K12 program. He is excited about it, I am excited about it. Hopefully it will work out well. I think his personality fits it. He is a self learner. You give him the basics, teach him how to do something, and he RUNS with it! He loves to learn and loves the idea of being able to choose what order he learns things in.

I was hesitant at first. I'm not exactly known for my patience. But through mounds of prayer, I feel really good about the decision. And ever since I said, "Ok, we're going to do this!" I have felt more patient with him. More understanding. More in tune with what he needs from me. I have enjoyed being around my kids more since I decided that he will be doing his work here. Juliana will keep going to school. She loves school and is flourishing there.

Next- religion. I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but I think I take that for granted. I go to church every week, I pray with my children, I pray with my husband, I pray on my own. I try to serve others. I watch General Conference. I obey the word of wisdom. I don't watch Rated R movies or MA tv. But I'm not doing all the things that actually encouragage growth. I'm not steady in my scripture study. We suck at Family Home Evening. We don't read the scriptures as a family. This has gotten me feeling a bit down. After last week's General Conference I realized it's time to change. I have done a little bit better. But not enough. Then I found THIS blog. I want to be like that. I want to actually LIVE a Christ centered life. I need to go to the temple more often (I'm nursing though, so it won't be TOO often). I have had a few opportunities to teach my children gospel principles on their level more often, though. We had a great real life lesson about repentance the other day.... ;)

I suppose what I struggle with is that I'm torn between this WANTING to be all of that and not having the focus or ability to concentrate or connect thought to action. I suppose part of that is baby blues. Which, I don't feel like I have the right to have when so many amazing people I know struggle with infertility. Sometimes I wonder why I am so blessed to have four beautiful kids and these other people who would be the best parents in the world are not receiving children. I have to just remember that the Lord knows what he's doing. He loves us all and has a plan for us.

Then there is my weight.  I hate working out. With a passion. But I need to- desperately! When I had Paisley, I looked DANG good. But I've gained a bunch of weight since then and feel nasty. So, I was delighted when I found a pin on pinterest that suggested you pay yourself $1 each time you work out and earn something. Roger and I haven't had a night alone since I was pregnant with Juliana. He needs to work out, too, since he has high blood pressure. So we decided to give this a go. Earn $200 so we can go to Anniversary Inn for a night. The first 2 days, we did AWESOME. And one day since then. Boo! Why can't I just DO it?

I know this post is a lot of rambling, but I feel so confused about myself. Am I good enough? Why am I not trying harder? At the same time, I have had a lot of mega accomplishments lately. I've been amazing in the kitchen (which is VERY new for me) and have ENJOYED spring break with my kids.

The Easter Bunny came to our house today. My kids were the ones who reminded me that last year he came on Saturday so we could remember Christ on Sunday. So we decided to do that again. But I have nothing to back up my actions. Just an article to read.

Alright. Rambling over. Have a nice day!