What “I'm just tired” really means....
I'm just tired means my body is exhausted. Tired from being up several times with a baby. Tired from three year olds with bad dreams that need to be held. It means that I'm aware that I stay up far too late, but those hours after the kids are in bed are the only ones I have that are quiet. The only time I have to rest, to create, and to think an uninterrupted thought.
I'm just tired means that my arms are weary. Tired from holding the littlest while he's battled months of ear infections and protecting him for the overexuberance of his siblings. Tired from fighting nighttime monsters by holding the princess. Tired from carrying a baby in a sling and a heavy bag in each arm, then a coat or two or three.
I'm just tired means my legs are worn out. Tired from running, keeping kids safe and out of the street or the neighbor's perfectly green yard. Tired from running to catch throw up. Tired from playing tag. Tired from dancing to sooth a fussy infant.
I'm just tired means my knees ache. Tired from pleading with the Father that I won't screw these kids up, begging him to send financial relief to help with all the medical bills that come with having five little ones, beseeching Him to help me see connections between my actions/food/behavior, imploring him to just keep these children safe.
I'm just tired means that my eyes are sleepy. Tired from watching and trying to enjoy every moment. Tired from watching them run in circles. Tired from keeping an eye out for danger. Tired of watching them pour milk, knowing that you'll be cleaning it up if it spills but hoping that this time they'll have success. Tired from watching them make mistakes and pay consequences.
I'm just tired means that my lips are overworked. Tired from telling them for the four hundredth time to be nice to their siblings. Tired from reading aloud just one more book. Tired from singing endless lullabies just to have the screaming start again between verses. Tired from explaining to people why we are on food restrictions. Tired from biting my tongue. Tired from eating all of their leftovers because I can't stand to see all that food go to waste, but I know that they didn't like it at all.
I'm just tired means that my ears are spent. Tired from listening to unsolicited advice. Tired of hearing them talk about Minecraft for hours. Tired of hearing the complaints every single meal. Tired from the sounds of high pitched squealing. Tired of whining. Tired from listening to make sure they are still breathing. Tired from trying so desperately to hear the quiet whisper of the Holy Ghost.
I'm just tired means that my cheeks are sore. Tired after genuine laughter and smiles and all the good and wonderful parts of being a mommy. Tired from pretend smiling so nobody has to hear me whine about my struggles. Tired of pretending that if my face smiles, my heart and mind will follow.
I'm just tired means that my brain is fatigued. Tired from arranging schedules. Tired from planning menus. Tired from coming up an hour late with all the witty comebacks to their complaints. Tired of endless searching for ways to be the best teacher. Tired from battling with demons- the ones that remind me that I'm not, nor will I ever be good enough as well as the ones who scream that I am doing this whole mothering thing ALL wrong and that my children will suffer forever because of it. Tired because of too many ideas, very few of which will I ever complete. Tired because I can't focus.
I'm just tired means that my heart is faint. Tired because I have asked them so many times not to do what they are doing again. Tired because it knows that it is not giving my sweet husband the love and attention he deserves. Tired because the sudden switches between being naughty and suddenly needing to cuddle. Tired because it's full- full of love and gratitude for these little people.