This doesn't belong here.

This doesn't fit with anything crafty or any kind of reviews or digiscrapping. It has nothing to do with anything, but I needed an outlet. I needed to be able to tell my story and this was just available.

Maybe I'm jus crazy, but in the event that I'm not, I need to write this down.

When we were pregnant with Abraham, we both felt that there was another baby waiting for us. There's nothing you can do about that, so we just tucked that information away in our hearts.

When the Captain was a few months old, a friend felt prompted to share with me some information on how to keep kidney stones away while pregnant (since I'd suffered from Calicum stones the last 2 pregnancies). We both felt like we should try for a baby in June. June came and we both felt like it meant NEXT June. So we waited and made a plan. We even stuck to the plan, which, to be honest, is not something I do well. The plan was to go off my ADHD meds in March or April, off of birth control at the end of April, and probably be pregnant by June.

In the meantime, Roger and I went to the temple. We did sealings and the sealer asked how many kids we had. Immediately after I answered 5, I felt so ashamed. I felt like I had lied to him and that my other child was saying, "What about me?! Don't forget about me!!!"

May came, and with it a couple of pregnancy symptoms. I, foolishly, got my hopes WAY up, where they came crashing down over the Memorial Day weekend when I realized that I was definitely NOT pregnant. I was bummed. And embarrassed. But it was what it was and there was nothing I could do about it.

Enter June. June I had a LOT of pregnancy symptoms. I was gagging when I brushed my teeth, had no desire to eat sweets, completely exhausted, and a whole number of other symptoms (some of which I had to look up because I had never had them before). Out of the blue, Abraham would be playing on my belly and start saying, "Baby." The kids all felt like I was pregnant. Roger felt like I was pregnant. I did, too, but incredulous because of May. Most of my previous pregnancies were confirmed by my youngest children. So I put quite a bit of merit on that.

Before all this- we almost always have 1 or 2 names picked out per gender before we even GET pregnant. Previously, our girl names were Persephone and Evangeline. Our boy name is Lorenzo. The kids would always say they were SURE our next one is a girl because we have boy, girl, boy, girl, boy and that's the order would be consistent. I always joked that Heavenly Father had a sense of humor and that he'd be more likely to send us twin boys than to keep a nice, pretty pattern.

During all this June baby talk, we really did ALL feel like it was a girl. Persephone seemed ALL wrong. Evangeline wasn't sitting the best with me, either, but I wasn't going to worry about that right now. One day, the kids were all in the room when I was finishing an episode of Gilmore Girls and one of the kids asked, "What about Lorelai?" Now, truth be told, I've loved the name Lorelai since the first time I watched the first episode of Gilmore Girls, but I figured it was popular due to the show and didn't want people to call her Rory because I don't like that character, lol. But now, all the kids were on board and it sounded just as pretty as ever.

As the days and weeks passed, I was so preoccupied with feeling pregnant. I took way too many pregnancy tests and didn't stress too much that they were all negative. After all, 1. It wasn't time for me to start and 2. Both of my girls had each taken FOREVER to show up positive.

Then, Sunday happened. According to the online forms you fill out said that I was supposed to start Wednesday. I took one of those "5 day early" tests. It was negative. That's when I knew. I knew I wasn't pregnant. Even though false negatives are common that early. I had Roger give me a blessing. It was beautiful. In it, he said Heavenly Father was proud of my decisions. He reminded me that I'd get my answers soon, but my thoughts and feelings were from Him. Again, I just kind of knew at that point, but still hoped otherwise. I asked Abraham if there was a baby in my tummy. Instead of the kind, sweet, "Baby" response I'd grown used to, he said, "NO BABY. "

I sent a text to a couple of friends expressing my frustration. One friend responded, "Love ya... And... Patience, Iago. Patience. Lorelai Patience Fish..." We knew that is her name. Lorelai Patience.

Tuesday, Roger and I celebrated our anniversary. We went and saw Wonder Woman (fabulous movie, btw). I went to the restroom at the restaurant and sure enough, a day earlier than planned, I had 100% proof that I was not pregnant. When I told the kids, Vaughn didn't believe me at first. I cried on the way to my mom's house because I felt Lorelai wanted to come just as desperately as I wanted her to.

When I told Abraham today, he seemed to be agitated and almost angry. "NO BABY!"

I feel like I've lost her for a time, but not forever. I feel like she's still supposed to come to our family with a body. We just have to be patient. And so does she.